Friday, August 20, 2010

How do you get over being betrayed and lied to my someone you loved and trusted deeply?

I thought I knew him. I married him and he was good to me for 7 years. He showed a lot of love and devotion to me and my children. They loved their stepfather deeply. We all were happy for those seven years.

Then three things happened:

1. He got bariatric surgery

2. His mother became terminal and was decaying

3. He started drinking hard liquor and got obsessed with talking to women online

I knew he was in crisis, and it was affecting all of us. But instead of fixing stuff, he just gave up and he left me for another woman, six months ago.

I am still in love with the man he used to be for seven years. There was just something that felt so good and pure until things started deteriorating so badly.

And now I wait.

I wait for him to heal and come back to me.

But he says he wants a divorce, yet he won't spend the money to do it (he first got demoted, then he lost his job.)

The man from before was so responsible and caring. A good husband who never disrespected me.

The dark overtook him.

But now I wonder, was he always dark, and he was pretending and trying hard to be good?

I just can't wrap my mind around it.

I still pray that God heals my husband and returns him to us. On the outside, I appear as if I have let him go, and that I have self-esteem and that I have moved on. I am rebuilding my life. I am doing good at work and am returning to school. I am counting my blessings and CHOOSING happiness (after many months of excruciating grief and mourning).

I am still in pain, but it's a little more tolerable now. I have grown closer to God. I feel a certain healing. But I won't lie .........everyday I pray he emails me saying that he repents what he's done and that he has found himself again.

I am tired of aching.How do you get over being betrayed and lied to my someone you loved and trusted deeply?
It sounds a lot like you had been married to a ';recovering'; alcoholic - someone who should have been attending AA or who may have had a sponsor in the past. But you know what? It's not about the best side and the dark side of someone's's about how we cope with stress and conflict. As you know, trials show our true personalities; trials test our character. And obviously, your husband's character has proven a bit weak and undefined. That's the bottom line. We all act wonderful and pacified when we're on vacation, don't we? Most of us are generous, cheery and loving when we have money in our pocket, food on our table, love in our house, etc. But many more than you realize snap and turn to drugs and alcohol when they lack effective coping skills. Your husband is one of them. He may not need AA, he may not need therapy, but what he does need is a hard look at himself. Maybe he was playing the husband role for so long because he thought that it was the responsible thing to do in American culture (you know, the American Dream lie?) And many people who are ';role playing'; will suddenly change course when they reach the point that they feel courageous enough to be who they are. If your husband is in his late 40s or 50s, he may be facing his own mortality with his mother's illness. He may be suffering from the ';is this all there is?'; syndrome. Many people who have spent a good portion of their lives living the American Dream wake up one day and ask themselves whether there is true meaning in that lifestyle. The answer of course is that there is no meaning in the American Dream. We're just supposed to act like there is. True meaning can only come from spiritual awareness and the reciprocation of love with friends and family. Only you know how healthy a relationship YOU had with your husband. Only you know whether your husband had any spiritual awareness. All the fun and frolicking you two did with your children has no bearing on the quality of your MARRIAGE. And don't bother with counseling; it's worthless. You seem to be healing well. Hang in there. If you don't exercise regularly now, start doing it. Take up tennis or racquetball or join a walking / running group. But focus on YOU, not on over-analyzing your husband. Let him go, not out of disgust, but the gentle way God let's us go when we want to rebel against him. Stop praying for him to ';come to his senses'; but for God to enlighten and heal him. God is not a genie in a bottle. Pray unselfishly. Be free in mind and spirit. Rent comedy movies and laugh a lot with your children. Have fun where you least expect it. You will triumph; you are a woman and a mother. Emotionally, women are stronger. This isn't a brag moment; but a reassuring reality. Fear not for your future. You are in God's hands. Let God know what YOU need. Give him / her much thanks. S/He is already at work in you.How do you get over being betrayed and lied to my someone you loved and trusted deeply?
you would be better of discussing this in R%26amp;S .... I dont do prayers to a fictional character so I cant suggest anything
I'm still working on it !
You've described about 6 or so life changing events. These events can change a person, bring out that hidden dark side and amplify it. Alcohol does that. Some people use alcohol to numb the pain of grief but it works paradoxically, making everything totally unmanageable.

There may be a time when he hits bottom and starts to honestly look at the issues that he has to deal with. There is always hope, and from what you've said, you have had a good man in your life. As you know, there can be no guarantees in life. We do the best we can with what we have.

I have no doubt that you have suffered deep grief, you sound like a woman who loved her husband very deeply and this is one of God's greatest gifts to us. The ability to really love someone so deeply. This is the best part of a person and if your husband can recognize this gift within him, it will prompt him to recover and deal with his issues.

In sharing your story, you have reminded me why i went into addictions counselling in the first place. I've seen many successes and I've seen false starts. I've seen despair and most of all, I've seen hope. When we have hope, when we have love, we have what it takes to move forward. Any other choices are not acceptable. It is the love you have within you that makes you the person he fell in love with. If it is meant to be, it will be, and he will come back.

Hold on to the person he fell in love with. He might just come looking for you.
You, as a woman and his wife, can help him getting back on his feet.

Here are few books that I recommend you:

The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands

Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life

Check them on Amazon.
You keep talking about how he used to be. You are not acknowledging how he is now. We all would love to have our spouses the way they were, but that cant always happen. Like you said, maybe he always had this dark side, just hid it better back then. Whatever the case, he has moved on and I suggest you do the same. Why torture yourself with what could have been or should have been? You have said it is more tolerable, see, you are slowly dealing with it. Give it time and with more prayer and faith you will eventually come through this.

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